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"What do you say to family when they continually are inviting themselves to stay at your house for 2-4 weeks, twice a year? And when one family decides to come, they all come! (There are usually about 7 guests in my house)
I used to really like all of my husbands family, but now they are over-staying their welcome, and making me like them less each time they come. One of my sister-in-laws doesn't clean up after her kids, either. How can I politely let them know that I would like them to come, but not for longer than a week at a time, and not such a crowd. We don't know how to tell them without offending them!"
Any words for dear Natalie? How would YOU handle the situation?
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11 comments:
The only thing worse than having lots of family come to visit is having no family to come visit...
aaron and i talk about this A LOT since hawaii seems to be a prime 'lets go visit spot' and a prime free-loading spot, especially complicated by our little apartment and people who just don't want to leave.....
honestly--you just need to tell them. say something like "we'd love to have you but more than a week gets stressful on our family/is hard for us/messes up our routine....etc...people don't usually take offense to that. that's assuming they ask how long they can stay....
and i don't know how you'd feel about doing this: but aaron and I always set up the house rules. Things are different in hawaii with cleanliness, mold, mildew, sand....so the second they step in we let them know--you need to take your shoes off, you need to wipe up your crumbs (ants, bugs etc.), hang up your towels, not leave food out...and we blame it all on hawaii, and it works, and no one gets mad or feels strange.
i guess what it comes down to for me is that it's YOUR house and you are in charge. granted there are certain things that should be over looked for the comfort of your visitors (to a certain extent)--but all in all, you should feel comfortable and in control in your house. any normal person should understand that and respect your wishes. You shouldn't have to feel put out in your own home.
maybe it would be easier coming from your husband as well--let him tell them.
Having just spent 3 weeks sleeping on my Natalie's couch, I'm afraid I have no credibility here. . . I sure hope your Natalie and mine aren't the same person! (In self defense: I did pitch in while I was out there!)
hey!! My comment went away! Argh!
by "pitch in" my mom meant "did everything" and NO I did NOT write this.
I had lots of really helpful advice too bad stupid blogger didn't save my comment.
That's so tough--I've had to deal with this too (10 people in our one bedroom = really bad idea), and sadly I didn't use much tact and DID offend them, so I'm looking forward to reading the comments here. And I like what was said about establishing rules--I think that would help keep stress down a lot!
Dear Natalie (Heather's, not mine),
An open letter to all your family might be best here. If everyone receives a "Dear Family" form letter, then no one will feel singled out or offended. This way it can also come from both you and your husband, and the family will understand that both of you are united in your requests.
You could include phrases like:
-We are so grateful you feel comfortable coming to our home
- We want you to know you will always be welcome here,
-we want to make sure that our time together is fun for everyone and doesn't cause friction and stress,
-we want our visits together to go smoothly for everyone
-so we thought we'd let you know some of our "house rules"
Then address your concerns within the framework of your family's house rules. Keep them short, simple and few in number. You don't want to come off as a Nazi here. You're simply a reasonable person who wants to keep her sanity AND her love for her in-laws.
Be sure your rules include the length of stay you feel comfortable with. This is usually considered common courtesy and is generally understood. (Maybe you've heard common saying: "House guests are like fish: after three days, they both begin to stink"? There's a good reason this is a common saying. It's true!) But I guess in your husband's family culture this wasn't one of the mores, so you'll need to delineate it.
Be careful not to point fingers or use specific examples of past bad behavior, as this will surely offend. Simply state your requests in a loving, open and reasonable way. If anyone chooses to get offended, that's their concern. Maybe they'll punish you by boycotting your house for a while!
Natalie, do you have kids??
Yes, I've got two kids. "I'm Natalie": I would love to hear your helpful tips! Would you mind retyping them?
The suggestions here are great. Thanks!
Natalie, I have A LOT of in-laws, who randomly show up (sometimes for weeks at a time), and I used to ask myself the same question. However, not wanting to offend them, I said nothing. Then I realized that I am SO lucky to have a family that enjoys being together.
I noticed how happy my 4 kids were when they got to see their cousins, etc. that I can't take that away from them.
Looking at family visits with a new perspective, I don't mind having them come over so much. Though, I DO make it a point to have the kids clean up after themselves, and the adults pitch in now too. REMEMBER: YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES.
If it's time to take a nap, then everyone naps. If it's time to clean up, then everyone cleans up, and DON'T feel bad asking family members to pitch in cleaning up.
Try making their visits more bearable, instead of asking them not to come. Family is a treasure!
You can also prep by putting up things you don't want torn through by kids, or "borrowed" by family.
Or have a designated "mess" area, so when the mess does happen, it won't bother you so much.
I hope this helps some! Good luck!
Natalie,
Here's what I'd do. I'd blame my kids. I'd just say how important it is for little Lolita and Billy Joe to have a normal routine. I'd explain how much you LOVE having everyone around, but that at this point in your kid's lives, extended stays are really hard on them. Tell them that even though it's SO MUCH FUN having them that after they go (particularly after an extended stay) you really struggle getting the kids back into stride and how important that is for them because their personalities really thrive on structure and consistency. All that is 100% the truth for any young children.
Hope that helps.
GOOD LUCK!!!
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